By Essie Bester

No parent wants to hear that his/her child is a bully. It is painful to think of your child as someone who causes harm to other children. However, bullying is a serious issue for the aggressor as well.

Children’s friendship skills are important indicators of their general mental health. If your child participates in bully behaviour – whether physical or verbal – it could be a sign of serious distress. She might be experiencing anxiety or depression, and struggles to regulate her emotions and behaviour.

According to Dr Jamie Howard, a senior clinical psychologist at The Child Mind Institute in America, children participate in all kinds of behaviour that is in no way a reflection of who they are as persons.

There are many reasons why a child who otherwise conducts herself well can act unfriendly towards other children. Some examples are:

She wants to fit in with a group of friends who bully one class mate.

She is bullied at home or at school, and tries to regain a sense of power by acting aggressively towards others.

She seeks the attention of teachers, parents or class mates, and cannot get it any other way.

By nature she is more assertive and impulsive than her friends.

She is inclined to view the behaviour of other children as hostile, even when it is not.

She doesn’t understand fully how her behaviour makes the victim feel – this is especially true of younger children.

By speaking to your child in this regard to understand what is happening from her point of view and guiding her through appropriate friendship behaviour, you can curb the bullying and address the issues that caused it in the first place. Following are some tips to ensure that your child harbours respectful relationships with her friends:

• Communicate

Listen to what others have to say about your child’s behaviour, as well as your child’s version of the story. This can help you to understand why the social aggression is taking place, and what steps need to be taken to stop it.

Not all children can verbalise why they act in this manner. Especially younger children who struggle with anxiety, trauma or another mental health issue have this problem. If you are struggling to find the reasons for her behaviour, you should consider consulting a children’s psychologist of a psychiatrist.

• Be proactive

Discuss situations which she could find difficult to handle and help her to develop her social and emotional skills. For example, tell her to include other children and use respectful language when asking them to play with her.

“Keep different solutions ready for all the issues that might arise and give clear examples of how you wish her to react,” says Dr Howard. Teach her to be empathetic by letting her think about how she would feel is she was being bullied.

• Set the example at home

“It is important that parents realise how their behaviour can influence their children – they manner in which they speak to their children and spouses and how they handle their anger,” says Kristin Carothers, a clinical psychologist.

Make sure your homelife reflect the type of behaviour you want your child to display at school. Don’t gossip, allow bully-type talk or jokes, work on seeing to it that everyone behaves politely, and encourage your family members to help and support one another where they can.

• Put meaningful consequences in place

Punishment can be effective as long as it is meaningful and restricted. Cyber-bullying can, for example, be accompanied by an immediate loss of internet or cell phone privileges. In serious cases you can take away her privileges for the foreseeable future and call in the help of a therapist. In less serious cases she should regain her privileges after a few days. “A privilege that is withheld too long can lose its validity,” warns Carothers.

• Rectify

As soon as your child has regained her privileges and is calm, you can explain to her that she made a mistake that needs to be rectified. Talk to her about how she can apologise.

• Monitor the situation

If another parent approaches you about your child’s bullying, you should inform your child’s teachers immediately so that they can be on the lookout for problematic behaviour. Follow up frequently with her teachers and praise her when she shows kindness towards others.

Cyber-bullying can be more difficult to monitor. Set passwords for her Facebook, Instagram and Twitter accounts and check them regularly to make sure she is using her social media in a friendly manner. Let her know that you will monitor her social media activity until she proves that she can handle it responsibly.

• Stay connected

An open communication channel with your child, where you remain up to date with her daily coming and going, will place you in a better position to recognise signs of bullying and trouble ahead of time. Talk to your child daily and ask open-ended questions.

It may be difficult to get started, but children of whom it is regularly expected to share details of their lives with their parents are more comfortable to during adolescence continue informing their parents about what they are up to, says Carothers. Therefore, take care to be in connection with your child in a supporting, non-judgemental way. This is also the key to minimising any aggressive behaviour.

However, if you are working on your child’s friendship skills continuously but the bullying continues, you should seek help. Your child might need a therapist’s help to work through underlying problems.

Sources:

https://childmind.org/article/what-to-do-if-your-child-is-bullying/

https://www.netwerk24.com/baba-en-kleuter/kleuter/my-kind-is-n-boelie-20181218